Deep Remorse

I have never been awake at 9.30 a.m on a Sunday in a incredibly long time. For us, a perfect Sunday, actually almost everyday to be precise, is to wake up after a perfect slumber with the most contented feeling for the simplest of reason; we woke up next to one another. Today, I was awaken from my short sleep by remorse.

You know how you have always been right all the time? Well my love, you are right yet again. We cannot be together like how we used to, because it isn't the right thing to do. You developed a conscious guilt that changed yourself. You weren't as open with me as before, perhaps saving some precious privacy for that special person whom you will let in to sweep you off your feet. I felt a bar between us, not a wall, just cold thick bars like you are imprisoning yourself away from me or perhaps you were keeping me behind those bars for one simple reason, guilt. They might sound as though there is not a difference but assure you that there is. Perspective carves the resemblance apart.

Sometimes I feel you are imprisoning yourself away from me because you have accidentally but willingly let me seep through to you to touch you again. On the other hand, I too felt you were simply keeping me behind the bars because of guilt. Your conscious guilt towards me, for shattering my heart, made those bars. You built them to ease me through this transition. I felt a lot of things these past few days with you. The very unfortunate one is that there was awkward silence between us or maybe what I felt was a distance between us. I hated that because I felt like a treasure when you let me in the night before and I am so ever grateful for that. The way your feet brushed against mine, the way you looked at me, the way you came into my arms. A pure rush of love untainted with nothing but the most honest of love like how we always were. You surrendered yourself to me.

I would do anything in the world to feel that with you. If only I could go back in time to kick myself to have better treated and appreciated you; to make you feel like one in a million. I deeply regret the times I sulked, the times I hurt you, the times you asked me to change my bad habits and attitude and I ignored, the times I was so proud of you and did not tell you so, the times when I should have said thank you for being who you are and believing in me more than anyone and did not, the times I did not and could not buy you gifts that you wanted, the times I pushed you away when you needed me so badly, the times when you wanted to spend a holiday with me but I made no extra effort, the times you dressed up so nicely and I did not tell you how gorgeous you look. So many things I want to undo and I hate myself deep down to the soul for taking you for granted.

I miss you so much that it aches. I have surrendered my heart to you a long time ago and it will forevermore remain yours and nothing in the world can change that.