behind the mask

I meant to write this when I had anger rising up till my throat and I had to grip my teeth tight and push my tongue hard against my upper jaw to prevent the force from bursting out from within into nasty words. But I didn't because Louie was looking at me with his ever innocent eyes saying, "Please feed me! It's 1 a.m.!".

Anyway, we were on our way home on the highway. I was beginning to think I was to settle the night plesantly when she blurted that I went out too much. Of course I did what everyone would have done which is defending myself. She went on to give a few minutes lecture on how the world is getting dangerous which I know has 100% truth in it. I kept my silence.

In front of our gate, she gave me warnings. I couldn't hold it in much longer when she accused me of actions which are not even close to true. The real piece of truth is, most of the time, I only go out Friday or Saturday and the other days I am occupied with the responsibility as the family's driver. Mon, Wed & Fri I drive my sister all the way to Summit, Subang and back which I get stuck in traffic jams for about half an hour and more. Tuesdays I drive my sister to tuition again and run errands for my dad. Thursday is my mom's day off and I have to drive her to where ever she demands. By the way, everyday at 7 p.m., I have to pick my mom up from work on time! So how did I find time to hang out when I'm beaten with traffic congestions? Seriously, I rather stay home.

To those of my friends who are reading this, I am sorry if I decline your invitation to spend some time together. I hope you understand. It is not easy because I am always left to choose when is the best time to go out and weigh every possibilities.

I really feel the need to be open towards my mother to have her trust me. Unfortunately she protects me not too much but not too little too however, too much to expose myself more to what's out there. Sometimes I wonder what will fall upon me if I sneak around behind her back. Truthfully, I don't want to go there. I love her that I want her to know what I am up to and that I am safe.

Sadly, maybe I am still too young for her to give me a tad more trust. I am not blaming her for caring about me but maybe just do it in a different way.