Vulnerability

It seemed all too easy when I first embarked on this journey with you. Along the way I have learned a whole lot of 'what to' and 'what not to' to mend situations. It was sure a bumpy ride but easily smoothen out with cooperation from both sides. I know I've said it one too many times but you did give me a lot of directions, or better yet, gave me a whole new meaning towards tomorrow.

I have to admit I, at that present time, did not realise you were slipping away from my grasp although I felt the hint of suspicion that it was not as firm as yesterday. I was immersed in my personal goals of academic achievements and as a matter of fact, I ignored the signs and simply took you for granted.

Faith and belief I have in you however, I began to think I took you for granted because of the abundance of those elements. Or perhaps I thought too highly of myself and regarded that you simply needed me and thus you will always turn to me at the end of it all. It may have appeared insensitive of me that I took no interest in your affairs especially with the particular someone. In my defence, if I did not know, I would not be hurt or affected by the truth.

If I could, I would rather not know anything at all regarding your past with that someone someone. The more of the little bits of pieces that you provided me, the more I felt stripped away from the security I built. The more truth you presented me, the more I began to feel detached as if I should contract and run. I was unsure and still am, whether I should retract my vulnerability to you as I feel it is still an unfinished business between you two. The question mark will remain a question mark. My ultimate question to seek answer for consolation will remain unanswered.

You saw me shedding tears in my sleep. I told you about my dream later on. I cannot possibly explain the sensation I felt in my sub-conscious mind. It was a complex feeling and for the first time, I felt more than I can feel. Loss and lost, perhaps is the sum of those emotions I felt, but personally they simply do no justice for what I experienced. Those of what I felt, is my biggest fear. I am confused, unsure and scared. I am not sure if I should give myself to you the way I did or put up a security curtain. I am terrified of those emotions that I felt.

I trust your words nonetheless. However, in reality, neither of us can guarantee any of us that we can withhold change. Without a doubt we both want to stand together throughout those changes, as how we agreed without biasness and solely voluntarily. Very soon, you will enter a whole new world. In any case, you have more of a tendency to be subjected to something or someone better. I say tendency, not by your nature but the environmental factors that you are associated with.

These past year I felt assurance. Now I feel the penetration of immense fear. So much fear, so intense.